Greetings of the day you will read this letter. I am sitting now and trying to figure out the best way to tell my life story, from the time I was born at twilight as the firstborn to my parents up until now.
I am now 18 years old. Some say it’s the best time of one’s life. Yet, to some, I am all too inexperienced and haven’t seen enough life. I accept that. On the other hand, perhaps you might change your mind once you hear my story, what I had gone through and what I’ve felt. Maybe it will give you something to mull over. Are you sure you want to read it in full, the ordinary story of someone who would get up at dawn, come home when everyone’s already asleep, have a good rest and do the same thing the next morning over again? My story is not particularly interesting, but it won’t be a waste of your time, I promise.
There was a time in my childhood I was friends with a daughter of my mother’s friend. We would play together, laugh together, think of the ways to have fun. We would wake up together and spend the whole day together, and after having had our fill of games, we would doze off. At the age of 7, I did do something, though. I kissed her. Of course, kids are kids, and we do all kinds of things when we are kids, but when I remember my childhood, she is the only one who stands out in my mind. Now I barely remember her name, because due to inescapable circumstances I had to return to Mongolia, and we lost touch.
When my father met me at the airport and brought me to my new home, a young woman with a baby belly opened the door. My father’s orders were to call her “Mom”: she was my stepmother. All I could imagine was Cinderella’s tale. But it was not like that. My mother taught me to understand the world and things in it to have more than two sides, that people must not be judged for their looks. From since childhood, my mom always nagged me that I was not like a girl, that I was always chasing football with boys, that I was playing in the garages and having stone fights. I was nagged, but I was not forbidden from doing these things. Although she never said it to me, she showed me that hurting and harming others was something not to do. She gave me a broad perspective on life. Had you been around still, you would’ve simply hugged me, kissed me and said, “It’s ok, my baby girl”. I pray to you as many times as there are stars in the sky.
One of the most important things in a human life is love, isn’t it? I try not to use this word, I don’t even write it, but it’s the inescapable truth. Although in everything else my being lesbian or bisexual doesn’t matter, as for love, this, interestingly, becomes the pivotal point. I could never tell anyone about my first love whom I was in love with till I was in high school, not even to my best friend. I just pretended I didn’t have any love interests. In my 12th grade, I found out that the boy I had spent years skating with was gay, and so I told him that I was a lesbian, too. Somehow, I was just not worried coming out to him. At the time, the easier thing for me to say was, of course, that I was bisexual. Then I told two of my friends, they were not surprised. They explained, “Probably it’s because you’re such a tomboy.” I then fell in love with a girl a grade below, and then finally, after two years, I told her I was in love with her. Her eyes, full of surprise and pity, still haunt me.
These were not earthshaking events. The things that really did shake my world began from the summer of 2016. Since then, in the period of one year, I came out to all the important people in my life, and I became more confident. Last year autumn, my best male friend told me he was bisexual, and in November, the girl I was in love with more than own my life, told me she was in love with me. Well, our relationship did not last. I still am emotional about her, though… And then, before my birthday, mom was nagging me about my love life, so I told her. It went like this.
– Don’t you need to tell me something? Just tell me.
– Not now, I will tell you when we’re alone.
– Come on out with it, don’t play around. I’ll probably forget it later.
– Ok ok, I am in love with someone…
– And what, did you get dumped?
– Oh, no, mom, of course not.
– So tell me what happened, don’t make it a huge deal.
– Mmm, it’s a girl, mom…
She sat quietly for awhile and asked me:
– So did you tell her?
– Mmmm, ok ok. Just make sure you are not lead astray…
Mom didn’t do anything more, but the next evening she sent me a message saying “I really didn’t like what you said yesterday. But I love you very much, kisses.” Once I got that positive message from one person who knows me best and supports me most, it felt like there was nothing I couldn’t do. Later, I told my only cousin. She only reminded me not to get too deeply involved. Later still, my grandma, who lives in the Netherlands, nagged me over the Facebook and hearing it from me said, “Come and live here, you will be accepted here.” I just cried.
When I come across people who negate me, it feels as if time itself freezes. I am young. More than the time past, my future life is ahead of me, and that’s more important. If you are on the brink of giving up, if you’re hiding from everyone, if you’re unable to accept yourself as LGBT, remember that it’s just something we all go through. It’s not that I have gone through hell and high water, it’s just that I know that there is a day you’re crying, there will be a day that you will laugh. The sun shines upon us all without discriminating, who cares about what others say? I don’t want to mention dark, bad things in my letter. There are many friends of mine who are given a hell at home and who come to me then, but one day we will be the ones to guide the society to the light. I believe that.
Thanks for taking your time to read my letter.